Waiting for labour is like watching paint dry.
Every night as I settle into my fortress of pillows, preparing for a night of waddling over to the bathroom, my mind races. Did I remember to lock the front door? Did I pack enough snacks in the hospital bag? Is it worth it to walk all the way to the other room for a Tums?
I have been talking to myself more and more. Sometimes, I chatter out loud. In those cases I like to pretend I'm talking to my baby, but I'm really talking to my uterus ... willing the old girl to get going.
While holding onto whatever fragments of sanity I have left, I've come up with a few survival techniques to get through the last days of pregnancy because it can't last forever, right?
Tip No. 1: Avoid the grocery store during peak hours
Our culture celebrates the six-month-pregnant look. You won't find any full term mamas in pregnancy magazines. As a result, people don't know what to do with a real pregnant belly. Yesterday I was told my protruding belly button means I'm over-cooked.
I'm avoiding the grocery store. It's a minefield of insanely inappropriate people. Maybe there are all drunk, who knows?
Tip No. 2: Don't hang around friends with newborns
Known as the "Non-Pregnant". It's not their fault… they don’t mean to make you feel bad by saying things like, “Wow, it feels so good to not have heartburn anymore!” or, “I’m feeling better every day."
Someday soon I will join the ranks of the insensitive new mommies.
Tip No. 3: Stop trying to induce your labour (unless it's fun)
Honestly I've tried everything: walking till my feet hurt, sex, disgusting labour inducing concoctions, pressure points in my ankles and the list goes on. I've come to the conclusion that these techniques don't work and were made up by midwives from the 1800s.
“Here, drink this my dear and it will bring on labour faster!” she says, as she thrusts some foul-smelling mixture (castor oil) on a 1800s-era lady.
Now if the methods are mild and don't involve the nasty effects of castor oil then by all means keep trying those methods. Bring on the pineapple, sex and massage.
Tip No. 4: Destroy all clocks and calendars in your house
This tip is pretty self-explanatory. You don't have to literally destroy your clocks and calendars — you pack them away in a drawer. But there's something so satisfying about a little destruction.
Tip No. 5: Ban the words, "No baby yet?" from everyone's vocabulary
Both my husband and I have been suffering from an onslaught of "have you had that baby yet?"
The answer is obvious unless this huge belly is really a cyst and not a squirmy little baby.
We said we could call if we go into labour — we promise! I really think people just don’t know what else to say, and if they’re excited, you really can’t blame them.
Tip No. 6: Remember, it is not much longer now
It's true. Every night of false labour is my body preparing for the real deal. This little one will be born soon and there will be times I’ll miss the convenience of carrying him or her around with no hands and the way my belly muffles his or her cries (especially at night when he or she is waking up for a feeding).